What to do? Stop thinking?

Again I haven't posted in a while...
Just a lot of things keep coming up and making me think about a lot of things that is going on in my life.
I need to change things.

Well I don't remember exactly what I mentioned before about my personal life and where I am at or doing with my life; and I'm too lazy to go back and re-read what I wrote before lol, So... this is what's happening and what I'm planning/thinking on doing about it.

Here in RI... I have no job and I have been looking. Nothing. I even applied to fast food restaurants and nothing. I can't stand not working and since I wasn't able to find a job, I was trying to start back into college at CCRI. Well back beginning of Feb, I applied and paid the fee that needed to be paid and as of yesterday they told me that an information packet to get started on what I need to do has been sent to me on the 5th of this month of March. So I need to pay attention to the mail this next week lookin for it and if I don't get it I need to call the school back.
My Mom was telling me a lot recently that I need to find a job and do something to bring some money in because I'm bringing her under. I hate knowing that's what I'm doing to her and I want to stop and start helping. But I have been trying and nothing is happening. So things have started to piss me off and upset me a lot more. This depression I have has started to come on stronger then normal and it's making things worse. I realize this and now I'm at the point where I need something dramatic but I don't think the thing I'm thinkin about doin to change/help things... won't.

I have a guaranteed job in MD as a Substitute Teacher that has had A LOT of openings lately that I know I could of picked up and worked. I could of been making a good bit of money if I was still there. Only issue is if I was there... I wouldn't have a definite place to live. That doesn't bother me too much cause I know that I can jump around to peoples houses and do what I gotta do to work. So I feel that is the best situation for me right now is to go down there til school is out so I can make as much money as possible to help my Mom out.
Another issue I have if I was goin to be able to do this with approval is having my Mom worry about the people down in MD that I know. She doesn't want them to get in the way of me doing what I have to do. I have no proof from past situations to prove to her that they wont. I just know the determination that I have right now inside to do what I gotta do to help my Mom out of a jam that I put her into.

My Mom is off work tomorrow and is home... so I was thinkin about askin her about all of this. I know she is not goin to be easy to convince that I think this is the best thing for us right now. I know she is gonna say... you live here. Get a job here. Work here. Well... it's been almost a year or so since I worked. I have been lookin for a job since and NOTHING. I have a job in MD. Why not go down and work it til I can't anymore, send the money back here to RI for her to pay what needs to be paid and then some? I'm in a corner and this is what I've come up with. I'll deal with finding a job when I get back after schools are closed. This way I will have some kind of "work history" to put down on applications instead of having nothing to show for the past year.

I figured I would wait the week to see if this packet comes in for college... and if it says anything about not being able to receive any kind of financial aid for classes, then that's a sign that I think I should go. I feel its the best bet I have. If the packet comes in and I get financial aid for classes... I know there will be left over money from it that I can give my Mom. That will help at least a little until I can hopefully get a job on campus or something.

If you were me... what would you do?

On top of all this stress that I have about this... being alone all the time. Not having anyone to be around and talk to, just makes me think way too much and too deep into things. A lot about Tosha and her not being here anymore. I haven't really come to terms with it yet. I don't think I will but I need to do something because I'm gettin tired of crying every freakin day. Cause it all starts with Tosha... then thinkin about Mike and how he is gone and the choice he made to be gone. Then things go back even further to how I'm 26 and not having anything to show for being 26 and that I minus well be 16 all over again. Divorced... back living with my Mom when I should be in my own place supporting myself and not relying on her to take care of me or anyone to take care of me other then myself. I told you I think a lot about all this. Plus let me add... I've always been a BIG chick... always heavy. But I feel things with my health are gettin worse. Harder and harder every day that goes by, it gets hard to walk or even just to move. Yea I know you are probably saying... well go outside and walk every day. I should but I don't want to do it alone. I know I can do it alone I just don't want to. So yes my stubbornness is gettin the best of me there and there is no reason for it to. But it is. That's something I need to work on as well.

Told ya I have issues. Ok... I gtg. Phone call and then gotta force myself to sleep.

Got Something to Say?

Is there is something you want me to talk about, 

have a question you want to ask me or 

anything that you just want to say? 

Tell me, 

ask me... 

SPEAK! 

I would love to know what you got. 

So... 

add a comment below and I will put it out there, 

speak about it, 

answer it... 

whatever.

Just spit it out! 

K.

thanks.

:)

Another Set of Ramblings...

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. 

I been wanting to but I haven't felt lately that I had anything to say.

 Tonight is another one of them nights but I felt if I didn't say/write something then I will end up just letting this whole "blog" thing go to waste. 

I do feel like this "blog" is a kind of therapy that I need in my life. It's cheaper then goin to a shrink. Plus instead of just talkin to one stranger and seeing what opinions or advice they could give me today, I have all of you being nosy and possibly wanting to give me your opinions and advice. Which of course I wanna know, so don't hesitate to speak/write. :)

RANDOM!!!

I bought a wig... it's platinum blonde and I like it. I just wish I bought it with bangs or something. Oh and NO I'm not cutting it haha. I will probably get another one sometime soon that has bangs but this one is meant to have the loose curls and chin length bangs.

Here's a pic taken 3/6/12... 

and HELL YES I'm rockin' my Panda Hat with it 

HAHA <3

NEXT SUBJECT...

MOVIES!!!!!...well movie.

One of my old faves is coming out with a sequel and I know yall are probably thinking ALL SEQUELS SUCK... except for Boondock Saints... just sayin and a few others but anyways. I DOUBT this one I'm gonna mention will.
The FUNNY movie that I love which is comin out with (another) sequel is; American Pie and that sequel movie is gonna be called American Reunion with the ORIGINAL cast! So I am VERY excited!

I just love Seann William Scott as Steve 'Stifler'.... yum. ;)

Now I'm gettin just a little tired since it is 4:30am and all...

LAST SUBJECT...
hmmmmm what? what? what?
OOOOOooooooooh... how about...

DOMINATE or SUBMISSIVE

which are you?

Everyone's first impression of me... they would say I'm Dominate. Getting to know me and hangout with me for a few years... again they say I'm Dominate. But if you are the guy I'm wanting to get with... usually more then 60% of the time I am.... Submissive. That is only because my nerves get to me. Plus depending on the guy... if its the type of guy I'm hoping to be/stay in a serious relationship with... then submissive is the better way to go more then half the time. I want "my man" to be... a man! If you know what I'm talkin about then you definitely know what I'M SAYIN!!!! haha But you never wanna be 100% submissive to a guy... gotta be able to keep that dominate part of yourself so you wont loose yourself. That's how I feel about it anyways. Of course not all of this is just about sex. But I do feel you should know what kind of person you are so you can know what kind of person you want to end up with. 

Yea I know... that's not reeeeeaaaally where I wanted to head in that conversation but that's what came out. It's cause I'm tired. Sorry about that. I do promise to talk more about this topic another time. Maybe later today when I get up? Idk. 

Thanks for bein nosy and wantin to know what kinds of things my "fingers" are wanting to type lol