So time to catch yall up on what's been goin on with me.
I had to skim back and see what the heck I wrote before about where I was in life and what I was doing.
Now that I'm all caught up... let me fill yous all in.
I moved back to MD.
I have my own place/apartment again.
Still in my good'ol Purple Bomber car.
Single =/
WORKING! <3
...and that's basically it.
Oh...
still dealing with some health issues. Tackling them one at a time.
Other then that... I guess that is it.
I feel better about myself... I mean I still have my mood swings so I have my moments just like anyone else.
So... I don't know what else to say about this right now. If I come up with something I will add it on. But right now at 1am lol that's all I can come up with.
:)
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Boy, Oh boy.
I'm not sure if anyone even reads this.
But if you are... thank you but why? haha
No I appreciate it. Thanks.
Now what to talk about? Where to start off again? No more sad news *knocks on wood*.
How about... "THAT guy"?
There is a new guy in my life. Not a boyfriend, he's just a friend. I really like him though. He's not ready for anything. Yet I feel he peeks out of that room here and there with me. I could just be thinking too much into it though since I like him. Damnit.. I just don't want to make such a big deal out of me liking him. I enjoy his company and I like just hanging out with him. I want to be there for him when he needs a friend.
Oh he's so freakin adorable though! haha He's tall, dark hair... gorgeous eyes. And his hands... yeah... his hands get me.
He stayed the night with me one night... just waking up next to him. Sleepy eyes, hair in his face... his tattoo of my favorite band on his arm just staring at me in the face is just the image I would like to see every morning haha.
Call me crazy all you want...
but it just felt perfect.
Screw that...
It was perfect.
Yeah... so no I'm not giving his name. I don't want to jinx anything. I think talkin about him like this is too much already haha.
Damnit... I hate that I can't stop smiling when I think of him. It hurts after so long! lmao
Just wish I knew exactly how he felt. I know "friends" is all he wants which, like I said it's fine... but do I really think too deep into something that's just not there? I never got vibes like this before.
Time will tell.
Guess I'm just gonna have to wait and see.
But if you are... thank you but why? haha
No I appreciate it. Thanks.
Now what to talk about? Where to start off again? No more sad news *knocks on wood*.
How about... "THAT guy"?
There is a new guy in my life. Not a boyfriend, he's just a friend. I really like him though. He's not ready for anything. Yet I feel he peeks out of that room here and there with me. I could just be thinking too much into it though since I like him. Damnit.. I just don't want to make such a big deal out of me liking him. I enjoy his company and I like just hanging out with him. I want to be there for him when he needs a friend.
Oh he's so freakin adorable though! haha He's tall, dark hair... gorgeous eyes. And his hands... yeah... his hands get me.
He stayed the night with me one night... just waking up next to him. Sleepy eyes, hair in his face... his tattoo of my favorite band on his arm just staring at me in the face is just the image I would like to see every morning haha.
Call me crazy all you want...
but it just felt perfect.
Screw that...
It was perfect.
Yeah... so no I'm not giving his name. I don't want to jinx anything. I think talkin about him like this is too much already haha.
Damnit... I hate that I can't stop smiling when I think of him. It hurts after so long! lmao
Just wish I knew exactly how he felt. I know "friends" is all he wants which, like I said it's fine... but do I really think too deep into something that's just not there? I never got vibes like this before.
Time will tell.
Guess I'm just gonna have to wait and see.
Coming back with Sad News
Just another night where I feel I should start writing again.
Sorry that I didn't stick with it like I was hoping to. I just couldn't do it. I mean, I had things to say and talk about but... I never thought it was right for me to put what's goin on in my head down in print. Guess it's because then I would be able to go back and read what crap went through my head in the past. I don't know.
Well... where to begin?
Sad news I guess then.
I'm going to start off with mentioning that I'm going through another hard time right now. My friend Tosha who I have a page for... her mother Linda Clark [who was like my Mom away from My Mom] passed away last week. A year and a half [little over] after Tosha passed away. I'm so glad all her suffering is over now and that she can be with Tosha again. I cry tears of joy for her. I cry because I'm going to miss her. I cry because it hurts to know I can't just call to talk to her again.
Sorry that I didn't stick with it like I was hoping to. I just couldn't do it. I mean, I had things to say and talk about but... I never thought it was right for me to put what's goin on in my head down in print. Guess it's because then I would be able to go back and read what crap went through my head in the past. I don't know.
Well... where to begin?
Sad news I guess then.
I'm going to start off with mentioning that I'm going through another hard time right now. My friend Tosha who I have a page for... her mother Linda Clark [who was like my Mom away from My Mom] passed away last week. A year and a half [little over] after Tosha passed away. I'm so glad all her suffering is over now and that she can be with Tosha again. I cry tears of joy for her. I cry because I'm going to miss her. I cry because it hurts to know I can't just call to talk to her again.
I love you Mrs. Lin aka Mom!
Give Tosha a hug for me please <3
[Mrs. Lin aka Mom and Tosha 2010]
Friday, March 16, 2012
What to do? Stop thinking?
Again I haven't posted in a while...
Just a lot of things keep coming up and making me think about a lot of things that is going on in my life.
I need to change things.
Well I don't remember exactly what I mentioned before about my personal life and where I am at or doing with my life; and I'm too lazy to go back and re-read what I wrote before lol, So... this is what's happening and what I'm planning/thinking on doing about it.
Here in RI... I have no job and I have been looking. Nothing. I even applied to fast food restaurants and nothing. I can't stand not working and since I wasn't able to find a job, I was trying to start back into college at CCRI. Well back beginning of Feb, I applied and paid the fee that needed to be paid and as of yesterday they told me that an information packet to get started on what I need to do has been sent to me on the 5th of this month of March. So I need to pay attention to the mail this next week lookin for it and if I don't get it I need to call the school back.
My Mom was telling me a lot recently that I need to find a job and do something to bring some money in because I'm bringing her under. I hate knowing that's what I'm doing to her and I want to stop and start helping. But I have been trying and nothing is happening. So things have started to piss me off and upset me a lot more. This depression I have has started to come on stronger then normal and it's making things worse. I realize this and now I'm at the point where I need something dramatic but I don't think the thing I'm thinkin about doin to change/help things... won't.
I have a guaranteed job in MD as a Substitute Teacher that has had A LOT of openings lately that I know I could of picked up and worked. I could of been making a good bit of money if I was still there. Only issue is if I was there... I wouldn't have a definite place to live. That doesn't bother me too much cause I know that I can jump around to peoples houses and do what I gotta do to work. So I feel that is the best situation for me right now is to go down there til school is out so I can make as much money as possible to help my Mom out.
Another issue I have if I was goin to be able to do this with approval is having my Mom worry about the people down in MD that I know. She doesn't want them to get in the way of me doing what I have to do. I have no proof from past situations to prove to her that they wont. I just know the determination that I have right now inside to do what I gotta do to help my Mom out of a jam that I put her into.
My Mom is off work tomorrow and is home... so I was thinkin about askin her about all of this. I know she is not goin to be easy to convince that I think this is the best thing for us right now. I know she is gonna say... you live here. Get a job here. Work here. Well... it's been almost a year or so since I worked. I have been lookin for a job since and NOTHING. I have a job in MD. Why not go down and work it til I can't anymore, send the money back here to RI for her to pay what needs to be paid and then some? I'm in a corner and this is what I've come up with. I'll deal with finding a job when I get back after schools are closed. This way I will have some kind of "work history" to put down on applications instead of having nothing to show for the past year.
I figured I would wait the week to see if this packet comes in for college... and if it says anything about not being able to receive any kind of financial aid for classes, then that's a sign that I think I should go. I feel its the best bet I have. If the packet comes in and I get financial aid for classes... I know there will be left over money from it that I can give my Mom. That will help at least a little until I can hopefully get a job on campus or something.
If you were me... what would you do?
On top of all this stress that I have about this... being alone all the time. Not having anyone to be around and talk to, just makes me think way too much and too deep into things. A lot about Tosha and her not being here anymore. I haven't really come to terms with it yet. I don't think I will but I need to do something because I'm gettin tired of crying every freakin day. Cause it all starts with Tosha... then thinkin about Mike and how he is gone and the choice he made to be gone. Then things go back even further to how I'm 26 and not having anything to show for being 26 and that I minus well be 16 all over again. Divorced... back living with my Mom when I should be in my own place supporting myself and not relying on her to take care of me or anyone to take care of me other then myself. I told you I think a lot about all this. Plus let me add... I've always been a BIG chick... always heavy. But I feel things with my health are gettin worse. Harder and harder every day that goes by, it gets hard to walk or even just to move. Yea I know you are probably saying... well go outside and walk every day. I should but I don't want to do it alone. I know I can do it alone I just don't want to. So yes my stubbornness is gettin the best of me there and there is no reason for it to. But it is. That's something I need to work on as well.
Told ya I have issues. Ok... I gtg. Phone call and then gotta force myself to sleep.
Just a lot of things keep coming up and making me think about a lot of things that is going on in my life.
I need to change things.
Well I don't remember exactly what I mentioned before about my personal life and where I am at or doing with my life; and I'm too lazy to go back and re-read what I wrote before lol, So... this is what's happening and what I'm planning/thinking on doing about it.
Here in RI... I have no job and I have been looking. Nothing. I even applied to fast food restaurants and nothing. I can't stand not working and since I wasn't able to find a job, I was trying to start back into college at CCRI. Well back beginning of Feb, I applied and paid the fee that needed to be paid and as of yesterday they told me that an information packet to get started on what I need to do has been sent to me on the 5th of this month of March. So I need to pay attention to the mail this next week lookin for it and if I don't get it I need to call the school back.
My Mom was telling me a lot recently that I need to find a job and do something to bring some money in because I'm bringing her under. I hate knowing that's what I'm doing to her and I want to stop and start helping. But I have been trying and nothing is happening. So things have started to piss me off and upset me a lot more. This depression I have has started to come on stronger then normal and it's making things worse. I realize this and now I'm at the point where I need something dramatic but I don't think the thing I'm thinkin about doin to change/help things... won't.
I have a guaranteed job in MD as a Substitute Teacher that has had A LOT of openings lately that I know I could of picked up and worked. I could of been making a good bit of money if I was still there. Only issue is if I was there... I wouldn't have a definite place to live. That doesn't bother me too much cause I know that I can jump around to peoples houses and do what I gotta do to work. So I feel that is the best situation for me right now is to go down there til school is out so I can make as much money as possible to help my Mom out.
Another issue I have if I was goin to be able to do this with approval is having my Mom worry about the people down in MD that I know. She doesn't want them to get in the way of me doing what I have to do. I have no proof from past situations to prove to her that they wont. I just know the determination that I have right now inside to do what I gotta do to help my Mom out of a jam that I put her into.
My Mom is off work tomorrow and is home... so I was thinkin about askin her about all of this. I know she is not goin to be easy to convince that I think this is the best thing for us right now. I know she is gonna say... you live here. Get a job here. Work here. Well... it's been almost a year or so since I worked. I have been lookin for a job since and NOTHING. I have a job in MD. Why not go down and work it til I can't anymore, send the money back here to RI for her to pay what needs to be paid and then some? I'm in a corner and this is what I've come up with. I'll deal with finding a job when I get back after schools are closed. This way I will have some kind of "work history" to put down on applications instead of having nothing to show for the past year.
I figured I would wait the week to see if this packet comes in for college... and if it says anything about not being able to receive any kind of financial aid for classes, then that's a sign that I think I should go. I feel its the best bet I have. If the packet comes in and I get financial aid for classes... I know there will be left over money from it that I can give my Mom. That will help at least a little until I can hopefully get a job on campus or something.
If you were me... what would you do?
On top of all this stress that I have about this... being alone all the time. Not having anyone to be around and talk to, just makes me think way too much and too deep into things. A lot about Tosha and her not being here anymore. I haven't really come to terms with it yet. I don't think I will but I need to do something because I'm gettin tired of crying every freakin day. Cause it all starts with Tosha... then thinkin about Mike and how he is gone and the choice he made to be gone. Then things go back even further to how I'm 26 and not having anything to show for being 26 and that I minus well be 16 all over again. Divorced... back living with my Mom when I should be in my own place supporting myself and not relying on her to take care of me or anyone to take care of me other then myself. I told you I think a lot about all this. Plus let me add... I've always been a BIG chick... always heavy. But I feel things with my health are gettin worse. Harder and harder every day that goes by, it gets hard to walk or even just to move. Yea I know you are probably saying... well go outside and walk every day. I should but I don't want to do it alone. I know I can do it alone I just don't want to. So yes my stubbornness is gettin the best of me there and there is no reason for it to. But it is. That's something I need to work on as well.
Told ya I have issues. Ok... I gtg. Phone call and then gotta force myself to sleep.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Got Something to Say?
Is there is something you want me to talk about,
have a question you want to ask me or
anything that you just want to say?
Tell me,
ask me...
SPEAK!
I would love to know what you got.
So...
add a comment below and I will put it out there,
speak about it,
answer it...
whatever.
Just spit it out!
K.
thanks.
:)
Another Set of Ramblings...
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days.
I been wanting to but I haven't felt lately that I had anything to say.
Tonight is another one of them nights but I felt if I didn't say/write something then I will end up just letting this whole "blog" thing go to waste.
I do feel like this "blog" is a kind of therapy that I need in my life. It's cheaper then goin to a shrink. Plus instead of just talkin to one stranger and seeing what opinions or advice they could give me today, I have all of you being nosy and possibly wanting to give me your opinions and advice. Which of course I wanna know, so don't hesitate to speak/write. :)
RANDOM!!!
I bought a wig... it's platinum blonde and I like it. I just wish I bought it with bangs or something. Oh and NO I'm not cutting it haha. I will probably get another one sometime soon that has bangs but this one is meant to have the loose curls and chin length bangs.
Here's a pic taken 3/6/12...
and HELL YES I'm rockin' my Panda Hat with it
HAHA <3
NEXT SUBJECT...
MOVIES!!!!!...well movie.
One of my old faves is coming out with a sequel and I know yall are probably thinking ALL SEQUELS SUCK... except for Boondock Saints... just sayin and a few others but anyways. I DOUBT this one I'm gonna mention will.
The FUNNY movie that I love which is comin out with (another) sequel is; American Pie and that sequel movie is gonna be called American Reunion with the ORIGINAL cast! So I am VERY excited!
I just love Seann William Scott as Steve 'Stifler'.... yum. ;)
Now I'm gettin just a little tired since it is 4:30am and all...
LAST SUBJECT...
hmmmmm what? what? what?
OOOOOooooooooh... how about...
DOMINATE or SUBMISSIVE
which are you?
Everyone's first impression of me... they would say I'm Dominate. Getting to know me and hangout with me for a few years... again they say I'm Dominate. But if you are the guy I'm wanting to get with... usually more then 60% of the time I am.... Submissive. That is only because my nerves get to me. Plus depending on the guy... if its the type of guy I'm hoping to be/stay in a serious relationship with... then submissive is the better way to go more then half the time. I want "my man" to be... a man! If you know what I'm talkin about then you definitely know what I'M SAYIN!!!! haha But you never wanna be 100% submissive to a guy... gotta be able to keep that dominate part of yourself so you wont loose yourself. That's how I feel about it anyways. Of course not all of this is just about sex. But I do feel you should know what kind of person you are so you can know what kind of person you want to end up with.
Yea I know... that's not reeeeeaaaally where I wanted to head in that conversation but that's what came out. It's cause I'm tired. Sorry about that. I do promise to talk more about this topic another time. Maybe later today when I get up? Idk.
Thanks for bein nosy and wantin to know what kinds of things my "fingers" are wanting to type lol
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Death...
Have you ever wondered about what comes after death?
I know some of you will say that there isn't anything to worry about if you live your life for God cause if you live your life for God then you know you will end up going to Heaven and seeing all those you love who have passed before you and will after you.
There are some of you out there that say you will be reincarnated and then you will have another life to live all over again. Like a big cycle that never ends.
Then I know there are some of you who will say that nothing will happen after you die. Once you're dead, you're dead. Nothing more. It's the end.
Now I'm not goin to preach to you and tell you what I think you should or shouldn't believe. That's not what I do. I'm just writing about this because I feel it's a topic I need to get out my feelings about and to see what anyone has to say about what I'm goin to write.
So with that being said...
I feel that I would be a hypocrite saying that "I believe there is a Heaven" because if I truly believed that, then I wouldn't be making myself sick and upset wondering "...but what if there isn't?". I really do worry about it. I enjoy life that I don't want it to end but I know that's out of my hands. So why worry? Because it is inevitable... that's why I worry about it. It's going to happen and I don't know what is going to come next... if anything at all.
Usually I'm one to be like, if it's something I can't help or change then so be it. I just can't with this even though that's all I can do is, to not worry about it. I should just live my life to the fullest and be all I can be with no regrets. Just be happy and I know I will be because that's who I am; but I know I'm still going to have days like this where I cry and pray that my "What if's..." go away.
This is why I struggle in my spiritual life. I have this inner war that just needs to end. I would love to just 100% believe that there is a Heaven so I wouldn't have to question myself anymore. I can't say "question God" because I do believe in Him... I guess that just means that I don't believe in myself?
I grew up in church and other then people in school, I only hung-out with those who were involved in my church. I never really thought too much about other religions or other peoples belief. The friends I was around in school [after I invited them] started coming to my church for Youth/Teen Group on Wednesday nights. So I never had anyone tell me any different from what I knew. Yes I did know there were other religions and beliefs, I'm not saying I didn't. What I'm saying is that I never knew anyone who was willing to talk about something different from what I knew. Until I started dating this guy down the street from me. He told me that he was Atheist. [Now understand I was 14-15 at the time he told me this so whatever definition I use here is how he explained it to me then.] Which was believing that there is no God, no religion; belief that there is no higher power of any sort and that when you die... that is it. You are gone. I cried I think for about 2 days after that because this guy was someone I obviously cared about and wanted to be able to see him on the "other side" when that time comes. It hurt. Then I all of a sudden thought about the possibility of him being right. Being a Virgo... I like to try and see everyone's side of things so I can better understand that person and what they maybe feeling or thinking or whatever. So doin that and trying to understand why or how he could believe that... is when I started being scared of Death and what happens after.
I have yet to deal with this and I feel pretty pathetic about it. I'm 26 and I still have anywhere from moments to days of feeling depressed because I think about all this. I have stayed pretty busy to the point where I never gave myself time to think about it or kept myself around people so I never gave myself a chance to think about it at all. I was doin pretty good until my friend Mike Sadler passed away; committed suicide July 1st 2009. I started thinking about what I was taught from Sunday School when I was younger about what happens if you commit suicide. I didn't want to think that I was never going to see Mike again... ever. One of the ways I coped with it was believing that inner battle Mike had within himself right before he passed was won over with him asking God to forgive him for what he did to himself. I do believe that Mike asked for forgiveness and asked God to save him. I knew Mike started goin back to church and I was happy to hear it. I knew he was one of the many I invited to come with me to Wednesday night Youth/Teen Group and when he stopped coming back then (pretty much because we aged out), I didn't know if he was going to go back to church. I found out after his death that he did go back. Now I know that probably doesn't look good to you who don't go to church or believe in God... probably thinking that had to factor in somewhere into the reason he killed himself. I'm asking you to not think that please. Mike had a lot more goin on then you know... well more then any of us know. Anyways, Mike did go back and I do feel inside that did make a difference his last few breaths.
After Mike and learning to cope with it all... my anxiety started to get worse. The wondering about death and what happens after started feeling stronger. So instead of crying and feeling depressed for periods of time, I started to have a pain in my chest; emptiness it felt like. I would have to seriously try hard to calm myself down, concentrate on my breathing and make myself think of something other then Death. That's all I have to do is think about dying and that would be it for me. Pain would hit, tears will start streaming down my face, it would just hit me just like that if anything came up or related to death in any way. It took me about 6-7 months to learn how to slow down my "attack". That's what I call it; my "attack". Every time I knew I was going to have one [I started to realize it happened a lot when I was around my friends who knew Mike]... first the pain would happen so I would start counting my breaths. Then once I felt my eyes start to tear up, I would excuse myself from everyone and go calm myself down in another room. Once I was finished, I would come back like nothing happened.
I thought I had my "attacks" under control. Then the day I found out about my best friend Tosha Zegzdryn passing away in a car accident July of 2011, I couldn't control it. It's been just over 7 months since she has passed away and I still haven't learned to slow down my "attacks" or anything. Right now I think I have an average of 7 "attacks" a day. It was around 12 a day if not all day! I think it was that bad because for the first month I held a lot of it in and refused to feel it. I didn't want to believe she was gone. Plus I was still in MD that whole month after Tosha's accident wanting to be there for her family. Tried to be there for them anyways. Tosha believed in God but struggled like a lot of us do, struggled on her walk with him. The day of her car accident I believe God saved her. I do believe she is an Angel now.
Just hear me out...
Tosha's sister and I went to the funeral home to choose the programs that they handout with a picture of the deceased, poem and dates of birth and death along with the services information. Well on the one Stephanie (Tosha's sister) picked there was a hummingbird. It was green (which is Tosha's favorite color) and was just a beautiful cover that suited a piece of Tosha. I never paid too much attention to hummingbirds before or any kind of bird to be honest. Since then... I have seen a lot and I mean a lot of hummingbirds. I was staying at my friend Spikes house and I was just sitting outside having one of my "attacks" praying that it would just subside. I went to look up and there was a hummingbird about a foot away from me. Green and beautiful. It was just flying in one little spot and it was staring at me. Instantly I felt a peace fall over me like nothing I ever felt before. Right after that there were about 5 others right off the deck on the other side of the railing up by the roof just hovering lol. And like I said before I was in MD for a good month after her accident and during this month I stayed at my friend Spikes. Every time I went outside no matter if it was early in the morning, noon-ish or towards night fall; every time I thought of Tosha... a hummingbird appeared. So in my heart I do feel that she could of been reincarnated into a hummingbird [in my eyes]. Like my own little worldly Angel looking out over me. Tosha loved life... so I don't doubt that if she had a choice to come back in any way shape or form, she would have.
It's been about 12 years of this "struggling"/"attacks" and not talking about it to anyone. Now when I go back and re-read what I have wrote, I think I came down with a way for me to cope with this problem I have. So here it is...
I believe that there is a Heaven and I believe that there is a possibility of reincarnation if that's what God has planned for you when that time comes. Maybe reincarnation is a worldly way for Angels? I like that. I like thinking of it that way. I believe that Hell is "the end" that I worry about which people have talked about. The "What if's...?" and the "once you die, that is it, you're gone" people refer it to... I really feel is Hell. If you believe in Heaven then there has to be a Hell... right? Yes.
I think this is how I've come to make sense of it all now. A way to help me cope with death and not being scared of what comes after. I'm not saying that we shouldn't fear Hell. I'm not saying that I don't. I do fear Hell, especially if it's "nothing" after death. I'm just saying I think I've talked/typed myself into ending this inner war of mine.
This was a big step for me, talking about this. I'm not one to open up about anything and I wanted to change that. I hope you can appreciate that. I'm glad that I started a blog all together now. Maybe this was a good step in the right direction. :)
Questions? Comments? Anything?
I wanna know so go a head and click on comment to tell me what it is.
Thanks.
I know some of you will say that there isn't anything to worry about if you live your life for God cause if you live your life for God then you know you will end up going to Heaven and seeing all those you love who have passed before you and will after you.
There are some of you out there that say you will be reincarnated and then you will have another life to live all over again. Like a big cycle that never ends.
Then I know there are some of you who will say that nothing will happen after you die. Once you're dead, you're dead. Nothing more. It's the end.
Now I'm not goin to preach to you and tell you what I think you should or shouldn't believe. That's not what I do. I'm just writing about this because I feel it's a topic I need to get out my feelings about and to see what anyone has to say about what I'm goin to write.
So with that being said...
I feel that I would be a hypocrite saying that "I believe there is a Heaven" because if I truly believed that, then I wouldn't be making myself sick and upset wondering "...but what if there isn't?". I really do worry about it. I enjoy life that I don't want it to end but I know that's out of my hands. So why worry? Because it is inevitable... that's why I worry about it. It's going to happen and I don't know what is going to come next... if anything at all.
Usually I'm one to be like, if it's something I can't help or change then so be it. I just can't with this even though that's all I can do is, to not worry about it. I should just live my life to the fullest and be all I can be with no regrets. Just be happy and I know I will be because that's who I am; but I know I'm still going to have days like this where I cry and pray that my "What if's..." go away.
This is why I struggle in my spiritual life. I have this inner war that just needs to end. I would love to just 100% believe that there is a Heaven so I wouldn't have to question myself anymore. I can't say "question God" because I do believe in Him... I guess that just means that I don't believe in myself?
I grew up in church and other then people in school, I only hung-out with those who were involved in my church. I never really thought too much about other religions or other peoples belief. The friends I was around in school [after I invited them] started coming to my church for Youth/Teen Group on Wednesday nights. So I never had anyone tell me any different from what I knew. Yes I did know there were other religions and beliefs, I'm not saying I didn't. What I'm saying is that I never knew anyone who was willing to talk about something different from what I knew. Until I started dating this guy down the street from me. He told me that he was Atheist. [Now understand I was 14-15 at the time he told me this so whatever definition I use here is how he explained it to me then.] Which was believing that there is no God, no religion; belief that there is no higher power of any sort and that when you die... that is it. You are gone. I cried I think for about 2 days after that because this guy was someone I obviously cared about and wanted to be able to see him on the "other side" when that time comes. It hurt. Then I all of a sudden thought about the possibility of him being right. Being a Virgo... I like to try and see everyone's side of things so I can better understand that person and what they maybe feeling or thinking or whatever. So doin that and trying to understand why or how he could believe that... is when I started being scared of Death and what happens after.
I have yet to deal with this and I feel pretty pathetic about it. I'm 26 and I still have anywhere from moments to days of feeling depressed because I think about all this. I have stayed pretty busy to the point where I never gave myself time to think about it or kept myself around people so I never gave myself a chance to think about it at all. I was doin pretty good until my friend Mike Sadler passed away; committed suicide July 1st 2009. I started thinking about what I was taught from Sunday School when I was younger about what happens if you commit suicide. I didn't want to think that I was never going to see Mike again... ever. One of the ways I coped with it was believing that inner battle Mike had within himself right before he passed was won over with him asking God to forgive him for what he did to himself. I do believe that Mike asked for forgiveness and asked God to save him. I knew Mike started goin back to church and I was happy to hear it. I knew he was one of the many I invited to come with me to Wednesday night Youth/Teen Group and when he stopped coming back then (pretty much because we aged out), I didn't know if he was going to go back to church. I found out after his death that he did go back. Now I know that probably doesn't look good to you who don't go to church or believe in God... probably thinking that had to factor in somewhere into the reason he killed himself. I'm asking you to not think that please. Mike had a lot more goin on then you know... well more then any of us know. Anyways, Mike did go back and I do feel inside that did make a difference his last few breaths.
After Mike and learning to cope with it all... my anxiety started to get worse. The wondering about death and what happens after started feeling stronger. So instead of crying and feeling depressed for periods of time, I started to have a pain in my chest; emptiness it felt like. I would have to seriously try hard to calm myself down, concentrate on my breathing and make myself think of something other then Death. That's all I have to do is think about dying and that would be it for me. Pain would hit, tears will start streaming down my face, it would just hit me just like that if anything came up or related to death in any way. It took me about 6-7 months to learn how to slow down my "attack". That's what I call it; my "attack". Every time I knew I was going to have one [I started to realize it happened a lot when I was around my friends who knew Mike]... first the pain would happen so I would start counting my breaths. Then once I felt my eyes start to tear up, I would excuse myself from everyone and go calm myself down in another room. Once I was finished, I would come back like nothing happened.
I thought I had my "attacks" under control. Then the day I found out about my best friend Tosha Zegzdryn passing away in a car accident July of 2011, I couldn't control it. It's been just over 7 months since she has passed away and I still haven't learned to slow down my "attacks" or anything. Right now I think I have an average of 7 "attacks" a day. It was around 12 a day if not all day! I think it was that bad because for the first month I held a lot of it in and refused to feel it. I didn't want to believe she was gone. Plus I was still in MD that whole month after Tosha's accident wanting to be there for her family. Tried to be there for them anyways. Tosha believed in God but struggled like a lot of us do, struggled on her walk with him. The day of her car accident I believe God saved her. I do believe she is an Angel now.
Just hear me out...
Tosha's sister and I went to the funeral home to choose the programs that they handout with a picture of the deceased, poem and dates of birth and death along with the services information. Well on the one Stephanie (Tosha's sister) picked there was a hummingbird. It was green (which is Tosha's favorite color) and was just a beautiful cover that suited a piece of Tosha. I never paid too much attention to hummingbirds before or any kind of bird to be honest. Since then... I have seen a lot and I mean a lot of hummingbirds. I was staying at my friend Spikes house and I was just sitting outside having one of my "attacks" praying that it would just subside. I went to look up and there was a hummingbird about a foot away from me. Green and beautiful. It was just flying in one little spot and it was staring at me. Instantly I felt a peace fall over me like nothing I ever felt before. Right after that there were about 5 others right off the deck on the other side of the railing up by the roof just hovering lol. And like I said before I was in MD for a good month after her accident and during this month I stayed at my friend Spikes. Every time I went outside no matter if it was early in the morning, noon-ish or towards night fall; every time I thought of Tosha... a hummingbird appeared. So in my heart I do feel that she could of been reincarnated into a hummingbird [in my eyes]. Like my own little worldly Angel looking out over me. Tosha loved life... so I don't doubt that if she had a choice to come back in any way shape or form, she would have.
It's been about 12 years of this "struggling"/"attacks" and not talking about it to anyone. Now when I go back and re-read what I have wrote, I think I came down with a way for me to cope with this problem I have. So here it is...
I believe that there is a Heaven and I believe that there is a possibility of reincarnation if that's what God has planned for you when that time comes. Maybe reincarnation is a worldly way for Angels? I like that. I like thinking of it that way. I believe that Hell is "the end" that I worry about which people have talked about. The "What if's...?" and the "once you die, that is it, you're gone" people refer it to... I really feel is Hell. If you believe in Heaven then there has to be a Hell... right? Yes.
I think this is how I've come to make sense of it all now. A way to help me cope with death and not being scared of what comes after. I'm not saying that we shouldn't fear Hell. I'm not saying that I don't. I do fear Hell, especially if it's "nothing" after death. I'm just saying I think I've talked/typed myself into ending this inner war of mine.
This was a big step for me, talking about this. I'm not one to open up about anything and I wanted to change that. I hope you can appreciate that. I'm glad that I started a blog all together now. Maybe this was a good step in the right direction. :)
Questions? Comments? Anything?
I wanna know so go a head and click on comment to tell me what it is.
Thanks.
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