Death...

Have you ever wondered about what comes after death?

I know some of you will say that there isn't anything to worry about if you live your life for God cause if you live your life for God then you know you will end up going to Heaven and seeing all those you love who have passed before you and will after you.
There are some of you out there that say you will be reincarnated and then you will have another life to live all over again. Like a big cycle that never ends.
Then I know there are some of you who will say that nothing will happen after you die. Once you're dead, you're dead. Nothing more. It's the end.

Now I'm not goin to preach to you and tell you what I think you should or shouldn't believe. That's not what I do. I'm just writing about this because I feel it's a topic I need to get out my feelings about and to see what anyone has to say about what I'm goin to write.

So with that being said...

I feel that I would be a hypocrite saying that "I believe there is a Heaven" because if I truly believed that, then I wouldn't be making myself sick and upset wondering "...but what if there isn't?". I really do worry about it. I enjoy life that I don't want it to end but I know that's out of my hands. So why worry? Because it is inevitable... that's why I worry about it. It's going to happen and I don't know what is going to come next... if anything at all.

Usually I'm one to be like, if it's something I can't help or change then so be it. I just can't with this even though that's all I can do is, to not worry about it. I should just live my life to the fullest and be all I can be with no regrets. Just be happy and I know I will be because that's who I am; but I know I'm still going to have days like this where I cry and pray that my "What if's..." go away.

This is why I struggle in my spiritual life. I have this inner war that just needs to end. I would love to just 100% believe that there is a Heaven so I wouldn't have to question myself anymore. I can't say "question God" because I do believe in Him... I guess that just means that I don't believe in myself?

I grew up in church and other then people in school, I only hung-out with those who were involved in my church. I never really thought too much about other religions or other peoples belief. The friends I was around in school [after I invited them] started coming to my church for Youth/Teen Group on Wednesday nights. So I never had anyone tell me any different from what I knew. Yes I did know there were other religions and beliefs, I'm not saying I didn't. What I'm saying is that I never knew anyone who was willing to talk about something different from what I knew. Until I started dating this guy down the street from me. He told me that he was Atheist. [Now understand I was 14-15 at the time he told me this so whatever definition I use here is how he explained it to me then.] Which was believing that there is no God, no religion; belief that there is no higher power of any sort and that when you die... that is it. You are gone. I cried I think for about 2 days after that because this guy was someone I obviously cared about and wanted to be able to see him on the "other side" when that time comes. It hurt. Then I all of a sudden thought about the possibility of him being right. Being a Virgo... I like to try and see everyone's side of things so I can better understand that person and what they maybe feeling or thinking or whatever. So doin that and trying to understand why or how he could believe that... is when I started being scared of Death and what happens after.

I have yet to deal with this and I feel pretty pathetic about it. I'm 26 and I still have anywhere from moments to days of feeling depressed because I think about all this. I have stayed pretty busy to the point where I never gave myself time to think about it or kept myself around people so I never gave myself a chance to think about it at all. I was doin pretty good until my friend Mike Sadler passed away; committed suicide July 1st 2009. I started thinking about what I was taught from Sunday School when I was younger about what happens if you commit suicide. I didn't want to think that I was never going to see Mike again... ever. One of the ways I coped with it was believing that inner battle Mike had within himself right before he passed was won over with him asking God to forgive him for what he did to himself. I do believe that Mike asked for forgiveness and asked God to save him. I knew Mike started goin back to church and I was happy to hear it. I knew he was one of the many I invited to come with me to Wednesday night Youth/Teen Group and when he stopped coming back then (pretty much because we aged out), I didn't know if he was going to go back to church. I found out after his death that he did go back. Now I know that probably doesn't look good to you who don't go to church or believe in God... probably thinking that had to factor in somewhere into the reason he killed himself. I'm asking you to not think that please. Mike had a lot more goin on then you know... well more then any of us know. Anyways, Mike did go back and I do feel inside that did make a difference his last few breaths.

After Mike and learning to cope with it all... my anxiety started to get worse. The wondering about death and what happens after started feeling stronger. So instead of crying and feeling depressed for periods of time, I started to have a pain in my chest; emptiness it felt like. I would have to seriously try hard to calm myself down, concentrate on my breathing and make myself think of something other then Death. That's all I have to do is think about dying and that would be it for me. Pain would hit, tears will start streaming down my face, it would just hit me just like that if anything came up or related to death in any way. It took me about 6-7 months to learn how to slow down my "attack". That's what I call it; my "attack". Every time I knew I was going to have one [I started to realize it happened a lot when I was around my friends who knew Mike]... first the pain would happen so I would start counting my breaths. Then once I felt my eyes start to tear up, I would excuse myself from everyone and go calm myself down in another room. Once I was finished, I would come back like nothing happened.

I thought I had my "attacks" under control. Then the day I found out about my best friend Tosha Zegzdryn passing away in a car accident July of 2011, I couldn't control it. It's been just over 7 months since she has passed away and I still haven't learned to slow down my "attacks" or anything. Right now I think I have an average of 7 "attacks" a day. It was around 12 a day if not all day! I think it was that bad because for the first month I held a lot of it in and refused to feel it. I didn't want to believe she was gone. Plus I was still in MD that whole month after Tosha's accident wanting to be there for her family. Tried to be there for them anyways. Tosha believed in God but struggled like a lot of us do, struggled on her walk with him. The day of her car accident I believe God saved her. I do believe she is an Angel now.

Just hear me out...
Tosha's sister and I went to the funeral home to choose the programs that they handout with a picture of the deceased, poem and dates of birth and death along with the services information. Well on the one Stephanie (Tosha's sister) picked there was a hummingbird. It was green (which is Tosha's favorite color) and was just a beautiful cover that suited a piece of Tosha. I never paid too much attention to hummingbirds before or any kind of bird to be honest. Since then... I have seen a lot and I mean a lot of hummingbirds. I was staying at my friend Spikes house and I was just sitting outside having one of my "attacks" praying that it would just subside. I went to look up and there was a hummingbird about a foot away from me. Green and beautiful. It was just flying in one little spot and it was staring at me. Instantly I felt a peace fall over me like nothing I ever felt before. Right after that there were about 5 others right off the deck on the other side of the railing up by the roof just hovering lol. And like I said before I was in MD for a good month after her accident and during this month I stayed at my friend Spikes. Every time I went outside no matter if it was early in the morning, noon-ish or towards night fall; every time I thought of Tosha... a hummingbird appeared. So in my heart I do feel that she could of been reincarnated into a hummingbird [in my eyes]. Like my own little worldly Angel looking out over me. Tosha loved life... so I don't doubt that if she had a choice to come back in any way shape or form, she would have.

It's been about 12 years of this "struggling"/"attacks" and not talking about it to anyone. Now when I go back and re-read what I have wrote, I think I came down with a way for me to cope with this problem I have. So here it is...

I believe that there is a Heaven and I believe that there is a possibility of reincarnation if that's what God has planned for you when that time comes. Maybe reincarnation is a worldly way for Angels? I like that. I like thinking of it that way. I believe that Hell is "the end" that I worry about which people have talked about. The "What if's...?" and the "once you die, that is it, you're gone" people refer it to... I really feel is Hell. If you believe in Heaven then there has to be a Hell... right? Yes.
I think this is how I've come to make sense of it all now. A way to help me cope with death and not being scared of what comes after. I'm not saying that we shouldn't fear Hell. I'm not saying that I don't. I do fear Hell, especially if it's "nothing" after death. I'm just saying I think I've talked/typed myself into ending this inner war of mine.

This was a big step for me, talking about this. I'm not one to open up about anything and I wanted to change that. I hope you can appreciate that. I'm glad that I started a blog all together now. Maybe this was a good step in the right direction. :)

Questions? Comments? Anything?
I wanna know so go a head and click on comment to tell me what it is.
Thanks.